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Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Hey guys!!

I have good news! So the last I told you I was waiting for an interview for acceptance into the social work program at my University. I was not supposed to hear back until the first week of November but I heard early! I got in!! I cant even believe that I have made it this far and I am so excited and proud!

In other news, My boyfriend and I just signed a lease for next year! It will be the first place that we have all to ourselves. I'm so excited!

Time for class!

Love you lots!


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Well Hello There!

Hey guys!

Its been a long time since I have posted anything! Sorry about that, Life just got extremely busy and I didn't have much time to write and to be honest for a while in all the business I forgot about this! Now, I'm back!

Life overall is going well! I am in classes that I love and have my wonderful boyfriend and some wonderful friends! My life is still extremely busy but I have been really working on taking some ti me to myself to just relax and process everything.

 Right now I am waiting for an interview! It is the interview that determines if they will let me into the social work program at my school. I'm nervous! But I am taking deep breaths and reminding myself that everything will work out. I know all the questions they will ask and my answers. I just need to keep calm!

Gotta go they are calling me in!

Love you lots!

PS Ill update you on what they say!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Fixing My Focus!

Hey guys!

Just taking a moment between massive amounts of homework to talk to you all! We just got about 6 inches of snow where in at and now its sunny and "warm" which is really 34 degrees. But Ill take it! I have been so busy and overwhelmed by school lately that I havent had much to tell you guys except that I have some classes I will be glad to be done with at the end of the semester!

I am writing about how happy I am today! How awesome is that? I know that sometimes (ok most of the time) I get extremely focused on the negative and over analyze every little thing that upsets me. Which at time is a good thing to help me process what is happening but for now I just really have been trying to do the same for the good things in life! I think that lots of people including me give so much attention to the negative things that happen to us and we dont give the same attention to all the positive. I have been keeping track of the positives that happen to me everyday for the past week and wow! I am amazed at how many things I havent noticed that make my life so great!

My advice to all of you?
Write down all of the positive things that you notice even if just for a moment! I have things as small as someone holding a door open for me or smiling at me when we pass in a hallway to things as big as my boyfriend taking me out for a nice dinner. I was shocked at how long the list gets! It was such great exercise I plan on continuing it. Since I have started focusing on the positive as much as if not more than the negative I have felt much better about how my life is going.


Until next time,

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

So much hope!

Hey guys,

Here is the promised update after the visit with K this weekend. I feel the same as I did before, I didn't even cry! I had a great time hanging out with my family and it was great to see K. When I got home on Friday night K was already there and playing with S. Not the kind of playing they used to do where an adult needed to be present to make sure K wouldn't hurt S but the kind of playing the normal siblings get to have. We had pizza for dinner and then it was their bedtime. They asked if they could sleep together and everyone was hesitant. Finally we gave in because they were doing so well. It was so amazing! S was scared of the dark(and Im sure a little of K) and when she said she was scared K said she would protect S and make sure nothing bad happened to her! So adorable and refreshing!

  On Saturday we went to a place called Skyzone which I think I talked about in a previous blog but to recap, it is a giant trampoline park that has a foam pit, dodgeball, and basketball. How fun does that sound?? Its so fun for everyone not just the kids. After an hour of jumping, we all went out to lunch and the girls were still so great with each other! It was so nice for them to finally have a peek at what a "normal" sibling relationship is. After lunch we went home and watched Mr. Popper's Penguins and rested before we went to meet K's family at their hotel. The girls went swimming at the hotel until past their bedtime and then we said our goodbyes. No one cried! At first I thought it was a bad thing but now when I reflect on it I think that it was a good sign. We are now starting to feel less like we are losing something and feeling more hopeful about the future. Im excited to see K again and I know the rest of the family is too! So much hope for all that is to come!

I am going home this weekend to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday! Don't worry I will be sober but we are going out to dinner at a new sushi restaurant and then I will be going back to my house to do homework and watch movies while my sister and her friends go hit the bars! I can't believe she is already 21... I feel like my parents when I say that time sure flies but its so true! I remember playing barbies with her and now she is living on her own and can legally drink! Wow!

Until next time,

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Hey everyone,

I have just a few minutes to wrote a post but I knew that I had to write down what Im feeling before I can get anything done without being distracted.

This weekend I am heading home from college to see K. K is coming to visit our family and Im so excited! I havent seen her since the first week of October so it feels like it has been forever! I dont know what activities we will do with her but Im sure it will be fun. I am so excited that this week seems to be taking way too long, I cant believe it is only Tuesday!

The other side of K visiting is the nerves. I am so nervous to see her! I feel bad to say that part of me is dreading this weekend. Its so hard to see K when I know that it is just for a weekend. When I know that no matter what happens a goodbye is coming. I know that she is still K but she isn't the same. Im so glad she is doing better and seems happier, I mean thats what this whole situation is all about, right?

I guess the caring side of me is thrilled she is going to visit and that I can see her and how happy she is, but the selfish side of me is saying "It's not fair that I only get 2 days with her. It's not fair that her new home is better for her and she couldn't stay with us. It's not fair that I have to go through this loss. It's not fair." I know that sounds bad and to be honest I hate that I feel that way sometimes. I am struggling to push aside my selfish thoughts and go back to the caring and selfless person I was before this whole ordeal.

To sum everything up, I feel so excited and nervous for this weekend. My hope is that it brings some sort of comfort as well as clarity for me. I'll be sure to update you all on how this weekend goes, Wish me luck!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

A much needed break

Hey guys!

I have been so busy with Christmas break and the start of the new semester that I haven't had any time to update you on what's going on with me, so here it goes!

Christmas break was so relaxing and refreshing! I had so much fun with my family especially S! For her Christmas present D and I got her something small (colored hair extensions) and the other half of her present was an adventure day. We took S to a place called skyzone which is a huge trampoline park where you can play dodgeball, basketball, and they even have a foam pit! D and I had as much fun as S! After that we took her to the humane society to play with the animals which was so cute! There was a kitten that didn't have a name yet and we took her out and she was so cuddly that S wanted to name her snuggle and she went and told a worker what we named her. The last part of the day was dinner and we went to noodles & company and had Mac and cheese. I had such a blast with them, I wish I could go back to that day.

Christmas with the boyfriend's family was great too. For women's shopping day I D's grandpa actually included me this year! For those of you that don't know about this tradition in D's family I'll explain: every Christmas D's grandpa takes all the women in the family for a shopping day. He gives everyone their budget by saying that your age multiplied by 5 is how much money he will give you! He is a very generous man. In past years I go with and D's parents pay for me to pick something I like out and D's grandpa hasn't paired for me since I am not married to D. I had been more than happy with the way things had been going! But the big deal about this year is that D's grandpa asked to pay for $100 of anything I wanted! I was speechless! I don't know if it felt like a big deal to anyone else but to me it meant the world. It felt like a was being welcomed as part of the family and that almost brought me to tears. I had such a great time on the shopping trip and the rest of the days we spent there. I can't wait for the years to come!

Christmas with my family was great too but also had the sad undertones of missing K and wishing she could be there with us. I received many great gifts but I think the top two consisted of a key necklace from S that she picked out by herself and she got one for herself, J and me. It was so heartfelt and beautiful I just love it so much! The other gift was a vacuum! Who knew I would ever be so excited to get house cleaning products as a gift? I am so glad I will not have to buy one for next year in my house I am trying! Christmas with my family although sad was also filled with so much love and pece that it was one of my favorite Christmases I have had.

Now that all the fun update things are out of the way I have an update on my mental health! I switched antidepressants because my other one(Zoloft) wasnt cutting it anymore. I am now on effexor and it seems to be working much better, so that is definatly good news!

The only other update I have is that spring semester has started! My classes are good but since they are almost all general ed credits they are pretty boring. Its only two weeks in to the semester so I cant make many judgements yet I am just trying to focus on taking care of myself and making sure that I get the grades I need to apply to the Social Work program this next fall!

Love you all!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I'm thankful but still sad...

Hey guys,

So as Thanksgiving comes to a close I find myself emotionally exhausted. I had such a great day with my family and the boyfriend's family and felt so proud of myself when I realized it has been 2 years since I have seen my biological father in person. It was a good day to think of all the good things I have in my life, but on such a fulfilling day something just felt like it was missing. This is the first major family holiday without K.

I tried hard not to think about it but when I came home yesterday to my mom crying it came flooding back. I knew it would be hard to have our first major holiday without K but I didn't fully process what it would feel like, what it would mean.

It feels like death. It hurts to say or even think but it feels like K died and I can see her face every so often but when I do it is a different child, a happier child. It reminds me of when I was little and would see the back of someone's head on the playground and run over thinking its J and when I got there laughing and trying to hug her, she would turn around to reveal that it was some other girl. Same hair, same jacket, Not her. And the biggest thing that hurts right now is that I just want her. But the her that I want isn't healthy and shouldn't come back. its not whats best for her. Im so torn between the selfish part of me that just wants K back and for everything to be ok, and the logical side of me that knows that can't happen and never will.

I think I need to start mourning the loss of the sister I had. She is still alive, and doing well. That just was not with me and my family. I need to let go of the guilt I feel for not being what she needed forever but I am so thankful that I was what she needed in the beginning. I am so lucky to have gotten to have her for the time I did because without it I would not be who I am today.

Its very late and I just wanted to update you guys on how our first post K holiday went. It was pretty negative so I am going to write again soon to update the positive stuff when I am feeling better.

Happy Thanksgiving!!